we are all completely beside ourselves
by Floodtail- AKA Floody
Summary: when your tears and your fears come to life, if you look you will find- ;carmilla/laura;


_when your tears and your fears come to life/if you look you will find_

/ / /

you stumble out the door and you know you shouldn't be this broken, shouldn't feel your heart crawling up your throat, shouldn't— shouldn't— shouldn't—  
>she is mortal, and you are damned.<p>

sweetheart, mother's voice said once.

_you are as damned as I._

/ / /

you think maybe that you lost it long ago, maybe— are you clinging onto sanity like a moth to the light? is laura a candle and you have broken your wings?

but you've only ever been dark, dark, dark.

the night sky is deep and black as tar. the stars are shielded by the wrathful slivers of clouds, wind torn— and possibly it's your heart, poetic, maybe, but true. maybe you are just as damaged as the clouds.

at the moment, it feels as suffocating, as well.

/ / /

but you've only ever been mother's diamond, haven't you? you've played this game for centuries and still you misstep. and she controls you with ever briefest flicker of lucidity you've had.

it burns and you can still feel her _(love, love)_ lips on your cheek like a promise.

you don't want to keep this one, because you know you cannot keep her.

/ / /

you are the sinner kneeling at the altar,

_(you worship like one, too)_

and laura could sacrifice you on her shrine of love and you wouldn't— couldn't— protest it.

because you love her terribly.

it's poisoning your veins, it's deadly, and you cannot stop what you hold so dear— it's consuming you and maybe it should be more painful.

you've fucked up big time, and you're falling—

/ / /

after you emerged from the coffin, you promised never to love again.

/ / /

you've broken every promise thus far.

/ / /

your hands connect with the wall and dry plaster crumbles around torn flesh. the blood running down your skin is reminiscent of ruby rivers and you don't feel any hunger.

she has infected your very bloodstream.

you wonder when you stopped hating your diseases.

/ / /

when you retrieve the sword, the pain that spreads through your chest hurts worse than anything laura ever did to you— and you think

_this is what heartbreak in physical form feels like._

and the blood that flowers in the water as you break the surface stains itself into your skin, promises, tattoos like a star as you yank the hilt from the cliff face and spiral upward.

/ / /

you stagger into Mother's office and her eyes are the darkest storms as you drive the sword into her chest. blood fountains out and stains your hands and she collapses. and you can feel tears mingling with the seawater on your face as she breathes out, "my glittering girl," and caresses your face before her eyes shut.

you cannot stop crying as you feel your chest tear with pain and your head feels like fire is consuming it from the inside out.

still, your cheek burns.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

your apologies are empty because you did love her and she did save you, but now your only link to your past lies dead on the floor with the gently winking sword protruding from her chest, mocking you.

this star is not comforting or light. it is the sign of death that blankets mother's body like a veil.

/ / /

you fall onto the floor of laura's dorm and blood is wet on your hands and you can feel consciousness slowly slipping from your grasp and you hear,  
>you stupid, <em>idiot<em> vampire—

before all is dark.

/ / /

when you wake, you are sure that you have died because you can only see blackness.

and then you smell mangoes, and that's when you know.

her voice is soft and careworn.

never do that again, she says.

do what? you murmur, and you can't quite find the strength to open your eyes. you can tell bandages are wrapping your scorched hands from where the sword scalded you and your chest where it wounded you. her hand lingers over the spots, blossoming warmth over your skin.

don't scare me like that. you can hear the hesitance in her words. carm— i didn't mean it, you know.

I love you a great deal, you say without really thinking about it. her hand pauses from where it was gently stroking your arm.

I know. her words are soft. I do too. and I— her voice falters. i couldn't live without you, you stupid vampire— don't leave me again like that, don't risk your life trying to be the hero of this piece. her voice wavers and you can tell she's struggling not to cry.

i've already told i'm not. you smile slightly and your eyes flutter open.

she makes a sound between a laugh and a sob and she effectively kisses you to shut you up.

/ / /

and somehow, the wounds don't hurt as much anymore. 


End file.
